so i know that i totally don't use xanga anymore but i figure every once n a while we all cause use an update!

It seems that every year March is my crappy month. Once again following suit to the last few this one sucks... It's not that my life is bad at all i just have a few things that are estering me... a lot. I have way more things to be thankful for than to whine about. So here are some recent[ish] praises:
+ amazing softball team
+ crazy, but  most definatly awesome, friends
+ IT'S ALMOST SPRING BREAK
+ Costa Rica missions trip
+ Lennie's in town
+ colorguard co-captain
+ my super youth group that keeps on growing- i think we are at 10 now!

...whatever- i don't like being depressed!

sweet! I think i finally figured out my way around this thing! awesomenesss!...anyhow! right now i am babysitting my little brother and sister and as usual they arent listening to me.NOT FUN! whatever...

tomorrow i am going to Griffin's game and then i'm going to visit Lennie and Ashley at UWG. im excited!

peace shawtys...hope all is well.

ok... so dont read this if ur gonna criticise anythign below because its my personal feelings. ALLLLRIGHT.

i am pissed. im just pissed with my fuckin life. i dont feel like i have any really close friends. its not just that im tired of being overweight. im tired of my mom telling me to run every day. im tired of not being good at anything. OK by that i mean not being someone that people look up to. its like my whole life i really havent made any accomplishments. i look at all my friends and i c what they have and i can almost always find somethign great in people. but for myself the only thing i know is that i can keep good secrets and i can make friends easily. I try to not be the complainer but i just wanna be loved. i know i have a few friends but noone i feel that i can say entihng to. I hate life. softball today sucked. i hate my team. okay...heres basically whats wrong:

Love life... non-existant. i like someone...or possibly 2 or 3 ppl but nothing is gonna happen cause i dont ahve the confidence. Guys need that confidence. i just want someone to love me for me. but how can they do that if i dont even love me?

Parents... most people know that my dad and i really dont get along. my mom is just pissing me off. Every chance that she gets she finds a way to tell me that im fat. she honestly has never used those words but i know she feels it even if she would never say it. My dad is getting better as of now. i really feel like ive treated him like shit and i know it needs to get better. At the wedding a few weeks ago i told my mom that i wouldnt want my dad to walk me down the isle b/c i wasnt close to him. She told me that i was rude. HES NOT MY FUCKIN DAD. I honestly wasnt trying to be rude. I just want my true dad to walk me. I know that cant happen but it just feels like shit to see all the other girls with there dad. I know it will never be that good.

Pritch... thats my real dads name. My mom always talks ab how great he was and i just wanna meet him. for those of u who dont know my real daddy was shot 11 days before i was born. i never got to know him. The guy that shot him thought that he was a deer and when he found out that he was really a person he left him in the woods to die. He ran into hiding and was put into jail for using a gun during arrow season and manslaughter. He was later let out of jail early cause something ab his dad beign a sherif. HE FUCKING KILLED MY DAD AND THAT BASTURD GOT OUT.

Friends... im pissed at someone cause of the way they act. ms. perfect. i dunnu i have honeslty loked for somethign wrong and i cant find it. if i say somehting i did they top it. i dont feel like i have a best friend. i dont think i can really fully trust anyone. like i no i can tell some ppl things but i feel like anyone i tell is just gonna be pissed or someting.

Softball... Most ppl know that i have played on the same team for 3 years. this year i was drafted onto a team that i hohently cant stand. we had our first practice tonight but it sucked. i have been playing for so much longer than anyone else and it just isnt working. im not good at it. i am always out field or fucking catcher. I wanna be good. I am the oldest fucking one on my team and i just wanna be someone that ppl can look ^ to. not someone that when i come up they say heres an out.

Colorguard... i know right now most ppl just skipped over this section cause yall dont wanna hear ab nemore freakin guard drama. im over what happened last year. i wanna havea big role on the team though. it is the one thing that i love doing. i really really love it. why cant i b capt or even co-capt. i just wanna good part. i wanna have some influence in the descisions. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i just need a good cry. i need to cry and everything . My mom said at the wedding it was the first ttime she had ever seen me cry ab Pritch. I know kelly and ryan can relate to that...losing a parent sucks. out of everythign that sucks i just wanna be loved. i wanna have a good friend. i need some love. i think tomorrow will b a pity-comfy day. I NEED SOME LOVE PPL. all hugs will b appreciated. hell a kiss would b good too. i jsut need somethign...........

::sign:: LaureL